Patience Is A Virtue... Damn, I Wish I Was More Virtuous

I’ve been wondering what if these first 8 intensive weeks of Vitex and everything else I’m taking don’t work, what’s my next step? I suppose that the next step should be temping and ovulation tests. It’s little overwhelming, especially since Ayden was a surprise. He was a wonderful, amazing surprise…but a surprise he was. Taking 6 different pills, two of them twice a day, is surreal enough for me. Don’t misunderstand I realize how difficult conceiving with PCOS can be; I understand the stress, the physical and emotional toll it takes and the desperate desire to be a parent. I just don’t want to be TTC anymore, I want to be pregnant (if you couldn’t tell, patience is not my forte). I just want to have a baby so bad, to help fill my empty arms, to help keep me from diving head first into the huge hole in my heart, to be able to experience everything I should’ve with Ayden. I realize being pregnant and having another baby is going to be extremely hard but at the same time I need it. I need to fill in this hole. I know Ayden is irreplaceable but I’m pretty sure having his little sister or brother will make the pain more bearable; surely it’s better to grieve with half-full arms as opposed to empty ones.

Wishing For Two Lines...

In addition to trying to conceive (TTC) after SIDS, I am also TTC with PCOS. PCOS is poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, it is a condition in which there is an imbalance of a woman's female sex hormones, and affects an estimated 10% of all women. This hormone imbalance may cause changes in the menstrual cycle, acne, small cysts in the ovaries, difficulty conceiving, high blood pressure, and other problems. It is treatable, but not curable, and sufferers have to rely on themselves for the long-term management of their condition. I went from the ages of 14-17 without a single period, I finally got up the courage to go see an OB/GYN, and was diagnosed with PCOS. I was prescribed prometrium to force a period and then was on birth control to regulate my cycle. I was using the NuvaRing when I got pregnant with Ayden.

After Ayden was born, obviously birth control was a must and because we were planning on waiting a couple years before having another baby I chose the IUD Paragard. That didn’t go as planned, my uterus was tipped forward after my C-section and the IUD was placed into my uterine wall…OMG! The pain the next day was insane, I felt like I was in labor again, I couldn’t take care of Ayden so poor hubby had to stay up and take care of both of us. When I finally heard back from the on call nurse she told me to go to the hospital, but seeing as it was 5 a.m. I could wait and go straight into the office and they’d squeeze me in. They did an ultrasound, saw what had happened, removed it, and offered to re-insert another one under ultrasound a week later. I decided on pills because my breast-feeding efforts had failed and that was the main reason for choosing the IUD.Then everything with Ayden happened and I just kind of started forgetting my birth control, like I’d forget to eat, or that I had laundry in the washing machine.

So now I’m at 6 months with no period, and more negative pregnancy tests than I can remember. A friend of mine who also has PCOS (albeit worse than me, as she was told she could not have children) was given natural vitamins and supplements by her stepmother who got pregnant using them… Our friend is now 11 and a half weeks pregnant. She gave me the list and her left over pills for my maternity clothes.

It has been one month today, so we tested because a couple things shouldn’t be taken during pregnancy, and we got another negative. I didn’t expect it to happen as quickly as it did for my friend but still, in the back of my mind there was a teensy-tiny bit of hope. I’ll test again at the end of the week and if it’s still negative, we’ll see how it goes next month