Angel Day

Ayden's "angel day" was yesterday, the fourth, but we took him off life support on the third. He was taken off around 5 p.m. and he held on until around 2 a.m. There have been a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head the past few days. It's amazing to me that its been a year that he's been gone, it's amazing that I've made it a year without him. I lit a candle for Ayden and made it through the day relatively fine. I'm doing better, but I still have REALLY bad days. I still avoid babies out in public, trips to Walmart usually wait until late at night and the wee hours of the morning. Seeing bad parenting, like the other night around 11 o'clock a mother carrying her 2 year old son out to the parking lot in a t-shirt and shorts despite the fact it was like 60 degrees and she was wearing jeans and a sweater, pisses me off and upsets me to no end. I wake up from horrible nightmares a few times a week; my most recent one, I woke up (in my dream) to find a year old Ayden in his crib next to my bed, he was talking and walking and I was so happy and amazed to have him back, near the end of my dream he fell into a pool (no idea where the pool came from, I've never lived any where with a pool), hit his head on a stair and died, I couldn't move or do anything but watch. I screamed for my boyfriend Josh to come help me and called 911, Josh and the EMTs arrived by my side at the same time and just looked at me like I was crazy because there was nothing in the pool at all. I kept screaming at them that he was JUST there and begged and screamed for them to save him. Then I woke up crying and couldn't fall back asleep, I just kept replaying it over and over in my mind, watching Ayden die right in front of me and not being able to stop it or help him, remembering how the blood in the water bloomed like a horrible crimson flower and swallowed this older version of my son.

Vindictive

Leaving and divorcing my husband has been a process to say the least, and it's been a difficult one. I only took my clothes and toiletry items when I left, I left a lot of important things behind because I was in a rush and because it was an extremely difficult decision, one that I wasn't completely ready to make in all honesty. I left Ayden's things behind and his ashes. My ex has a necklace that contains a very small amount and we got a teddy bear for the rest, I couldn't separate them out that day as I was already upset about leaving, and I didn't feel it was right for me to just take the teddy bear. My boyfriend has been extremely helpful and wonderful about communicating with my ex to get the belongings I left behind, we were told I wouldn't be getting any of HIS son's things, a couple weeks ago we went to pick them up. True to his word, I got nothing of Ayden's. A few days later we got a call saying that a box of Ayden's things and some of his ashes were at my mother's house... we picked it up yesterday. Last night when I was going through the box of clothes, toys, blankets, etc. I found a sandwich sized Ziploc bag that contained Ayden's ashes. I got a fucking teaspoon of Ayden's ashes, there's barely anything there at all; to say I was pissed would be an understatement. I really can't believe how he's behaving, I mean I get that I hurt him, that he's mad and angry, but I don't understand how he can be this way about our child. If Ayden was still alive we'd share custody 50/50 so what makes his belongings and his ashes any different? What makes Ayden HIS son? The way i remember it, I was the one with hyperemisis gravidarum and spent the majority of my pregnancy vomiting my brains out, I was the one in labor, I had the emergency c-section, wouldn't that make him my son too? I'm so pissed off and hurt that I can't see straight.