Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Angel Day

Ayden's "angel day" was yesterday, the fourth, but we took him off life support on the third. He was taken off around 5 p.m. and he held on until around 2 a.m. There have been a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head the past few days. It's amazing to me that its been a year that he's been gone, it's amazing that I've made it a year without him. I lit a candle for Ayden and made it through the day relatively fine. I'm doing better, but I still have REALLY bad days. I still avoid babies out in public, trips to Walmart usually wait until late at night and the wee hours of the morning. Seeing bad parenting, like the other night around 11 o'clock a mother carrying her 2 year old son out to the parking lot in a t-shirt and shorts despite the fact it was like 60 degrees and she was wearing jeans and a sweater, pisses me off and upsets me to no end. I wake up from horrible nightmares a few times a week; my most recent one, I woke up (in my dream) to find a year old Ayden in his crib next to my bed, he was talking and walking and I was so happy and amazed to have him back, near the end of my dream he fell into a pool (no idea where the pool came from, I've never lived any where with a pool), hit his head on a stair and died, I couldn't move or do anything but watch. I screamed for my boyfriend Josh to come help me and called 911, Josh and the EMTs arrived by my side at the same time and just looked at me like I was crazy because there was nothing in the pool at all. I kept screaming at them that he was JUST there and begged and screamed for them to save him. Then I woke up crying and couldn't fall back asleep, I just kept replaying it over and over in my mind, watching Ayden die right in front of me and not being able to stop it or help him, remembering how the blood in the water bloomed like a horrible crimson flower and swallowed this older version of my son.

Monday, December 3, 2012


Leaving and divorcing my husband has been a process to say the least, and it's been a difficult one. I only took my clothes and toiletry items when I left, I left a lot of important things behind because I was in a rush and because it was an extremely difficult decision, one that I wasn't completely ready to make in all honesty. I left Ayden's things behind and his ashes. My ex has a necklace that contains a very small amount and we got a teddy bear for the rest, I couldn't separate them out that day as I was already upset about leaving, and I didn't feel it was right for me to just take the teddy bear. My boyfriend has been extremely helpful and wonderful about communicating with my ex to get the belongings I left behind, we were told I wouldn't be getting any of HIS son's things, a couple weeks ago we went to pick them up. True to his word, I got nothing of Ayden's. A few days later we got a call saying that a box of Ayden's things and some of his ashes were at my mother's house... we picked it up yesterday. Last night when I was going through the box of clothes, toys, blankets, etc. I found a sandwich sized Ziploc bag that contained Ayden's ashes. I got a fucking teaspoon of Ayden's ashes, there's barely anything there at all; to say I was pissed would be an understatement. I really can't believe how he's behaving, I mean I get that I hurt him, that he's mad and angry, but I don't understand how he can be this way about our child. If Ayden was still alive we'd share custody 50/50 so what makes his belongings and his ashes any different? What makes Ayden HIS son? The way i remember it, I was the one with hyperemisis gravidarum and spent the majority of my pregnancy vomiting my brains out, I was the one in labor, I had the emergency c-section, wouldn't that make him my son too? I'm so pissed off and hurt that I can't see straight.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving

I'd like to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you and your family have a wonderful and safe holiday.
Thanksgiving was the last holiday I had with Ayden, so I'm sure this day will be bittersweet. This is also my first Thanksgiving without my family. This will be the first year in my memory that I won't be side by side with my mom in the kitchen, cooking a feast from scratch. I won't be waking up at an ungodly hour to go Black Friday shopping with her either, a tradition that goes back just as far as helping to cook. It's definitely weird and strange to think about and go through. I'm sure the day won't be all bad though, I'll be with my boyfriend who is absolutely amazing and his mom and little sister, whom have pretty much adopted me with open arms and are pretty wonderful themselves.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Idle Hands

I've been seriously considering going back to school. I got my GED and started college at 17 and never finished for multiple reasons, the biggest one being I have NO IDEA what I want to be when I "grow up". It always felt like such a permanent decision and I still don't know what I want to do at 22, imagine how uncertain I was at 17. I love lots of things but I've never been able to see myself in one specific profession. I really wanted to be an elementary school teacher but after taking my teaching classes and doing my observation hours I discovered that I don't want to be a teacher in Florida, maybe somewhere else, but I don't agree with or like the education system here. I thought about cosmetology but it's more of a fun hobby for me, not something I'd want to do day in and day out. Then I thought about writing, which I've always loved, I've always excelled at. I could be a writer, I love the stress and pressure of deadlines, I love being creative and I genuinely love writing, anything. So I've been looking into different schools around here and I'm hoping that soon I will be a student again and on the right track. I think going to school will help with my grief and depression, I don't work and I don't really feel ready or able to. I worked at a small community bank before Ayden was born and I don't have any experience outside of that so my options are limited. There are plenty of grocery stores I could go work and do something menial and mindless but that would put me in the middle of a veritable parade of babies, small children, and horrible parents... and I REALLY could not handle that; I have a hard time with all those things just going to the store to pick up a few things, so right now I think school is the best option and will be the right thing to help me get my life back together.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Stupid Sh** People Say

A couple days ago I got extremely mad and upset at my best friend, my only friend really. He lives far away so we converse through Facebook on a daily basis. I was pretty down, drowning in thoughts of Ayden, and I told him this. His response was fairly long but I couldn't get through the first sentence; he said something about Ayden being in a better place. That Ayden was with God and looking over me all the time. If I could have slapped him through the computer...I would have. I love my friend to death, we've been there for each other through a lot of bullshit but for the first time ever I was seriously mad at him. I hated when people said that after Ayden passed, and I still hate it almost a year later. How is being dead better? How is Ayden being anywhere but with me better? I don't really believe in God, I never have, because if there is a god up in the heavens I'd really love to know what I've done to deserve all the tragedy in my life, not just losing my child but other things as well like my father abandoning me, ALL the drama and issues with my mother over the years, my friends and family abandoning me, etc. I wish I had faith, I'd love to believe in God, I'd love to believe in anything really. This reminds me of the scene in The Bucket List when Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson are having a discussion about God in the plane, Jack Nicholson 's character doesn't believe either and Morgan Freeman does, Morgan Freeman asks "What if you're wrong?" Jack Nicholson says something like "I hope I am. If I'm wrong then...I win". That's how I feel about it, if there is a God and Heaven or an afterlife or whatever you want to call it I'll be pleasantly surprised, if not and dead is just dead then I was right and I win either way.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

December 4th

There's a little less than a month until Ayden's "angel day" and 22 days til the anniversary of finding him not breathing and the days spent in the hospital hoping and praying. Ayden's birthday wasn't as hard as I thought it would be but I think these days will be; don't get me wrong getting through the butterfly release and blowing out Ayden's "1st" birthday candle was pretty heartbreaking and difficult to get through but I feel like getting through these days along with everything else going on will be horrible. I relive memories all the time, more frequently lately and I wonder if it's because I'm getting closer to December 4th; The day my baby became an angel and left me behind, irreparably broken. It's almost been a year and this pain has not eased, I still have nightmares almost every night, I still can't stop my thought process, I still wonder what if? I know this will NEVER be easy but it's SO unbelievably hard, I hurt all the time, I think all the time, I replay moments all the time and I want it to stop. People say you'll never forget and you still have memories but sometimes I wish I could forget. It makes me physically ill to think that or say it out loud but it would be so much easier if I could forget. It would be so much easier if I could forget the sight of Ayden motionless with blood trickling out of his nose on the kitchen table, if I could forget the ambulance ride, if I could forget the sight of my child lying in a hospital bed. But those memories and images are burned into my brain, I can't forget them, I can't not think about them. And it's the bad memories that fall on these days, so how could they not be difficult to get through? All I can hope for is to get through these few days as best as I can.

Monday, November 5, 2012


I''ve been avoiding this post because it's hard and painful to go through personally let alone put it all out there for the world to see, but I suppose this is part of my journey. A couple weeks ago I left my husband. I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy, I felt like I was dragging him down. My depression was swallowing me whole, I'd spend hours locked in another room trying to stay sane, I was a different person. I am a different person. I'm broken and permanently scarred. I'm depressed most of the time and can't stop thinking. In all honesty I find myself not wanting to go on living. I'm simply existing, going through the motions of life, not enjoying anything, barely laughing or smiling or feeling anything but deep, suffocating pain and sorrow. There is another guy in my life but my reasons were for leaving really were the ones I stated previously. We both deserve to be happy and we weren't. I take all the blame because I know it was mostly me, how can anyone be happy dealing with me being constantly depressed, constantly wanting to fade from existence? I'm not happy with myself, I hate getting suicidal and depressed, I hate wanting to be alone, I hate missing people who obviously don't miss me, I hate everything I've become. I worked so hard to get away from this side of myself, the dark side of me that I've struggled with and fought against for years, and now it feels like that's all that's left. All my happiness went with Ayden because he was my happiness, he was the reason I woke up in the morning, and now I'm just left hurting, and my dark side is my only side.