Angel Day

Ayden's "angel day" was yesterday, the fourth, but we took him off life support on the third. He was taken off around 5 p.m. and he held on until around 2 a.m. There have been a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head the past few days. It's amazing to me that its been a year that he's been gone, it's amazing that I've made it a year without him. I lit a candle for Ayden and made it through the day relatively fine. I'm doing better, but I still have REALLY bad days. I still avoid babies out in public, trips to Walmart usually wait until late at night and the wee hours of the morning. Seeing bad parenting, like the other night around 11 o'clock a mother carrying her 2 year old son out to the parking lot in a t-shirt and shorts despite the fact it was like 60 degrees and she was wearing jeans and a sweater, pisses me off and upsets me to no end. I wake up from horrible nightmares a few times a week; my most recent one, I woke up (in my dream) to find a year old Ayden in his crib next to my bed, he was talking and walking and I was so happy and amazed to have him back, near the end of my dream he fell into a pool (no idea where the pool came from, I've never lived any where with a pool), hit his head on a stair and died, I couldn't move or do anything but watch. I screamed for my boyfriend Josh to come help me and called 911, Josh and the EMTs arrived by my side at the same time and just looked at me like I was crazy because there was nothing in the pool at all. I kept screaming at them that he was JUST there and begged and screamed for them to save him. Then I woke up crying and couldn't fall back asleep, I just kept replaying it over and over in my mind, watching Ayden die right in front of me and not being able to stop it or help him, remembering how the blood in the water bloomed like a horrible crimson flower and swallowed this older version of my son.

Vindictive

Leaving and divorcing my husband has been a process to say the least, and it's been a difficult one. I only took my clothes and toiletry items when I left, I left a lot of important things behind because I was in a rush and because it was an extremely difficult decision, one that I wasn't completely ready to make in all honesty. I left Ayden's things behind and his ashes. My ex has a necklace that contains a very small amount and we got a teddy bear for the rest, I couldn't separate them out that day as I was already upset about leaving, and I didn't feel it was right for me to just take the teddy bear. My boyfriend has been extremely helpful and wonderful about communicating with my ex to get the belongings I left behind, we were told I wouldn't be getting any of HIS son's things, a couple weeks ago we went to pick them up. True to his word, I got nothing of Ayden's. A few days later we got a call saying that a box of Ayden's things and some of his ashes were at my mother's house... we picked it up yesterday. Last night when I was going through the box of clothes, toys, blankets, etc. I found a sandwich sized Ziploc bag that contained Ayden's ashes. I got a fucking teaspoon of Ayden's ashes, there's barely anything there at all; to say I was pissed would be an understatement. I really can't believe how he's behaving, I mean I get that I hurt him, that he's mad and angry, but I don't understand how he can be this way about our child. If Ayden was still alive we'd share custody 50/50 so what makes his belongings and his ashes any different? What makes Ayden HIS son? The way i remember it, I was the one with hyperemisis gravidarum and spent the majority of my pregnancy vomiting my brains out, I was the one in labor, I had the emergency c-section, wouldn't that make him my son too? I'm so pissed off and hurt that I can't see straight.

Happy Thanksgiving

I'd like to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you and your family have a wonderful and safe holiday.
Thanksgiving was the last holiday I had with Ayden, so I'm sure this day will be bittersweet. This is also my first Thanksgiving without my family. This will be the first year in my memory that I won't be side by side with my mom in the kitchen, cooking a feast from scratch. I won't be waking up at an ungodly hour to go Black Friday shopping with her either, a tradition that goes back just as far as helping to cook. It's definitely weird and strange to think about and go through. I'm sure the day won't be all bad though, I'll be with my boyfriend who is absolutely amazing and his mom and little sister, whom have pretty much adopted me with open arms and are pretty wonderful themselves.

Idle Hands

I've been seriously considering going back to school. I got my GED and started college at 17 and never finished for multiple reasons, the biggest one being I have NO IDEA what I want to be when I "grow up". It always felt like such a permanent decision and I still don't know what I want to do at 22, imagine how uncertain I was at 17. I love lots of things but I've never been able to see myself in one specific profession. I really wanted to be an elementary school teacher but after taking my teaching classes and doing my observation hours I discovered that I don't want to be a teacher in Florida, maybe somewhere else, but I don't agree with or like the education system here. I thought about cosmetology but it's more of a fun hobby for me, not something I'd want to do day in and day out. Then I thought about writing, which I've always loved, I've always excelled at. I could be a writer, I love the stress and pressure of deadlines, I love being creative and I genuinely love writing, anything. So I've been looking into different schools around here and I'm hoping that soon I will be a student again and on the right track. I think going to school will help with my grief and depression, I don't work and I don't really feel ready or able to. I worked at a small community bank before Ayden was born and I don't have any experience outside of that so my options are limited. There are plenty of grocery stores I could go work and do something menial and mindless but that would put me in the middle of a veritable parade of babies, small children, and horrible parents... and I REALLY could not handle that; I have a hard time with all those things just going to the store to pick up a few things, so right now I think school is the best option and will be the right thing to help me get my life back together.

Stupid Sh** People Say

A couple days ago I got extremely mad and upset at my best friend, my only friend really. He lives far away so we converse through Facebook on a daily basis. I was pretty down, drowning in thoughts of Ayden, and I told him this. His response was fairly long but I couldn't get through the first sentence; he said something about Ayden being in a better place. That Ayden was with God and looking over me all the time. If I could have slapped him through the computer...I would have. I love my friend to death, we've been there for each other through a lot of bullshit but for the first time ever I was seriously mad at him. I hated when people said that after Ayden passed, and I still hate it almost a year later. How is being dead better? How is Ayden being anywhere but with me better? I don't really believe in God, I never have, because if there is a god up in the heavens I'd really love to know what I've done to deserve all the tragedy in my life, not just losing my child but other things as well like my father abandoning me, ALL the drama and issues with my mother over the years, my friends and family abandoning me, etc. I wish I had faith, I'd love to believe in God, I'd love to believe in anything really. This reminds me of the scene in The Bucket List when Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson are having a discussion about God in the plane, Jack Nicholson 's character doesn't believe either and Morgan Freeman does, Morgan Freeman asks "What if you're wrong?" Jack Nicholson says something like "I hope I am. If I'm wrong then...I win". That's how I feel about it, if there is a God and Heaven or an afterlife or whatever you want to call it I'll be pleasantly surprised, if not and dead is just dead then I was right and I win either way.

December 4th

There's a little less than a month until Ayden's "angel day" and 22 days til the anniversary of finding him not breathing and the days spent in the hospital hoping and praying. Ayden's birthday wasn't as hard as I thought it would be but I think these days will be; don't get me wrong getting through the butterfly release and blowing out Ayden's "1st" birthday candle was pretty heartbreaking and difficult to get through but I feel like getting through these days along with everything else going on will be horrible. I relive memories all the time, more frequently lately and I wonder if it's because I'm getting closer to December 4th; The day my baby became an angel and left me behind, irreparably broken. It's almost been a year and this pain has not eased, I still have nightmares almost every night, I still can't stop my thought process, I still wonder what if? I know this will NEVER be easy but it's SO unbelievably hard, I hurt all the time, I think all the time, I replay moments all the time and I want it to stop. People say you'll never forget and you still have memories but sometimes I wish I could forget. It makes me physically ill to think that or say it out loud but it would be so much easier if I could forget. It would be so much easier if I could forget the sight of Ayden motionless with blood trickling out of his nose on the kitchen table, if I could forget the ambulance ride, if I could forget the sight of my child lying in a hospital bed. But those memories and images are burned into my brain, I can't forget them, I can't not think about them. And it's the bad memories that fall on these days, so how could they not be difficult to get through? All I can hope for is to get through these few days as best as I can.

Avoidance

I''ve been avoiding this post because it's hard and painful to go through personally let alone put it all out there for the world to see, but I suppose this is part of my journey. A couple weeks ago I left my husband. I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy, I felt like I was dragging him down. My depression was swallowing me whole, I'd spend hours locked in another room trying to stay sane, I was a different person. I am a different person. I'm broken and permanently scarred. I'm depressed most of the time and can't stop thinking. In all honesty I find myself not wanting to go on living. I'm simply existing, going through the motions of life, not enjoying anything, barely laughing or smiling or feeling anything but deep, suffocating pain and sorrow. There is another guy in my life but my reasons were for leaving really were the ones I stated previously. We both deserve to be happy and we weren't. I take all the blame because I know it was mostly me, how can anyone be happy dealing with me being constantly depressed, constantly wanting to fade from existence? I'm not happy with myself, I hate getting suicidal and depressed, I hate wanting to be alone, I hate missing people who obviously don't miss me, I hate everything I've become. I worked so hard to get away from this side of myself, the dark side of me that I've struggled with and fought against for years, and now it feels like that's all that's left. All my happiness went with Ayden because he was my happiness, he was the reason I woke up in the morning, and now I'm just left hurting, and my dark side is my only side.

Haunted by Halloween

So yesterday was a really bad day, I spent a majority of it crying and sleeping just to get away from my thoughts. Halloween was Ayden's first holiday, and I spent last Halloween imagining him being a year old, dressing him up and taking him trick-or-treating. I imagined years of that. But this year I was faced with the harsh reality; I don't get Halloween with my angel. I will NEVER take Ayden trick or treating, I will never get to help him pick out a costume, we'll never carve pumpkins or get to take a real trip to the "pumpkin patch". It was a hard milestone to get through, it was a hard thing to realize and accept, and it definitely wasn't easy. It made me think a lot about all the other milestones I never got and never will get with Ayden, I think that's the hardest part for me. When you have a baby you expect things, you form hopes and dreams, and you look forward to all the big moments down the road: talking, walking, trying new foods, holidays, first days of school, etc. but all those hopes and dreams got smashed to bits. I never got to experience those things with Ayden and I have to go through life not getting those things. Even if I have other children down the road seeing those firsts will hurt because I should have gotten them with Ayden, I'll always feel his absence and that he should be here, going trick or treating or going to school or unwrapping Christmas presents along with his brother/sister(s).

Guilty Conscience

My nightmares are back, in full force. I have a bad dream at least once a night. Sometimes I'm in the hospital, Ayden is covered in IV tubing and tape, so tiny in his hospital bed, one of the monitors is beeping, and I run around screaming at people who don't hear me, who look right through me. Other times I'm out shopping or walking around and a little boy, like 4 or 5 years old, will come up to me and say "Mommy you should've waited, I was getting better, I was going to be fine, and you gave up on me". The second one's the worst; I wake up crying and the dream haunts me throughout the day. Thoughts of Ayden haunt me regularly throughout the day anyway, my brain never stops thinking, never stops wondering "What if..." but this makes it worse. Terminating life support was the hardest decision I ever had to make and I second guess that decision frequently and these nightmares just add to my guilt.

A Helping Hand

I can’t imagine it’s easy to be close to someone who has lost their child, it’s certainly not easy being around me, just look at who’s stuck by me… next to no one. You’re not sure what to say or do, and to be perfectly honest, we don’t either. Nothing REALLY helps, the only thing that would help, the only thing the parent of an angel wants is their baby back in their arms.
I found this on a SIDS support page on Facebook:
1. Listen to my story, I need to tell it over and over again in order to heal.
2. Tolerate my pain, don't try to fix it, you can't. Just be with me while I am in pain.
3. Tolerate my poor memory. At times my brain feels like a mass of disconnected facts that are all being short-circuited.
4. Don't forget my child. I want to hear my child's name spoken. Share your memories of my child with me. It may make me cry, but will bring me joy forever. We will NEVER forget, we don’t want others too either.
5. Understand that I will never be the same person I was before my child died. My world has changed and I have changed. Accept my new identity.

That last one’s my favorite and probably the most important in my opinion. I am a completely different person. My highs are middling at best and my lows take me into the very depths of hell. My brain doesn’t stop thinking and analyzing and wondering, and sometimes with all of that going on, I cannot do anything else. I can’t smile, or watch a movie, or pay attention to anything longer than 20 minutes. I feel permanently damaged, like a broken mirror, you could glue it back together but there will always be cracks, it will never really be whole and perfect again…I will never be whole again.

Halloween Nails!

Decided to have a little fun and get into the Halloween spirit...

SIDS Awareness Wednesday #2: October 15th

 "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses his or her partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, their isn't a word to describe them..."

This post was also found by accident, but I'm glad I found it and wanted to share. I stumbled onto october15th.com through Facebook and immediately decided it would be my awareness post this week.

October was proclaimed National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month by Ronald Reagan in 1988.


Robyn Bear, the founder of October 15th, declared October 15th of every year  "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day", a day in the middle of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. They ask everyone, in every time zone, to light a candle at 7 pm and let it burn for one hour, creating a continuous wave of light in remembrance of all the babies taken too soon.

October15th.com also has a store, resources, a list of activities and walks going on in different states, and ideas to help raise awareness.

Blue

Yesterday I was sad and down all day, and it looks as if its bled over into today. There's no one reason for my sadness, it's a lot of little things, building up this huge wall of misery. I miss Ayden, we're having money trouble, I'm not sleeping normally, and none of things are getting any better, nothing gets easier. I physically ache without Ayden here, I miss him more than I could ever explain. Being a mom was one thing I really felt good at, Ayden gave me a purpose, and now that's gone, Ayden's gone and I got left behind. I'm heartbroken and depressed, I'm miserable without my angel and most days it feels like this will never get better. And then there's days like today when I don't want to be here, I don't want to try, I want to give up. I want to be reunited with my amazingly sweet baby boy, I want the time I didn't get. I want this nightmare to be over.

My Mother's Birthday

Tomorrow is my mother's birthday and since we haven't spoken in eight months it's kind of hard to think about. It's very strange not to be baking a cake, not to be planning what to make for dinner, not to be stressing over what in the world to get her. It's also strange that Ayden isn't here for it, because he was last year. Last year during one of Ayden's ultra early morning feedings I took the picture below and emailed it to her at work so that it would be waiting for her first thing in the morning. I remember thinking it was such a cute idea, that it would be a tradition. But we don't get to have to have traditions with Ayden, we get traditions without Ayden, we got two months of one time things. I got her a birthday card, because I got one, and because it would've felt weird and wrong not to do that at least. 

Nude With a Twist

I love nude nail polish, but it's kind of boring, so I decided to liven them up a bit. I used Sally Hansen Complete Salon Manicure in Cafe Au Lait, Sally Hansen Hard As Nails in Black Heart, and NYC Long Wearing Nail Enamel in French White Tip.

Step One: Apply one coat of base coat.
Step Two: I applied two coats of Cafe Au Lait three quarters of the way down my thumb, middle, and pinky fingers.

  

 

Step Three: Then, two coats of Black Heart on my ring and index finger.

Step Four: I used a ball-point pen and the NYC French White Tip to make polkadots on the black nails.
*The best pattern to for polkadots is three dots across, then two dots, and then three again until you reach the nail bed*

Step Five: The bow. It's way easier than it looks. I drew a black line where the nude polish ended and made a large black dot using the same pen. I did three dots close together to make the circle big enough. Then I used the pen to make two small dots on either side of the large dot to make the folds of the bow.

Step Six: Apply top coat! And you're done!!

SIDS Awareness Wednesday #1 : BeeBee Bows

I was thinking about this post this morning, what I should write about, how to set the mood of these posts, etc. I considered sharing statistics and sleep safety tips, but that's depressing, I don't want these posts to be depressing. I'd rather showcase people and charities that are doing great things in honor of Infant Loss Awareness Month. If you want statistics and ways to reduce the risk there are plenty of websites (www.sids.org, www.firstcandle.org) to name a few, but it makes me sad and I'm sick of being sad. I logged on to Facebook this morning and looked at a SIDS support page run by First Candle and saw a post by BeeBee Bows. It touched me, so I looked around on her Facebook page, messaged the owner Jillian, and hoped she wouldn't think I was insane. Jillian is a stay at home mom who just opened up her own shop making freaking adorable bows and accessories. She's doing a really wonderful thing in honor of Infant Loss Awareness Month, she made beautiful pink and blue bows, half the proceeds from the sale of these bows will be donated to the CJ Foundation for SIDS (http://www.cjsids.org/).

 I asked Jillian to tell me a little bit about why she is doing this and I thought she was even more wonderful, " A few of my friends have experienced the loss of an infant and one a toddler do to SIDS and SUDC. It hit close to home when I attended one of the baby's funeral last November. I don't think I've ever felt so empty inside and at a loss of what to say to the family. I grew up with them my whole life so to think it can't happen to you or someone you know definitely showed me I was naive." So many people don't seem to understand the loss, like my family and friends, but she realizes it and is doing something to help make sure no one else has to go through the pain of losing a child. BeeBee Bows has a Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Beebeebows/414772235226800) and an Etsy shop (http://www.etsy.com/shop/BeeBeeBows), see even when I'm not trying to be Etsy obsessed...
Check out BeeBee Bows, she has cute non-SIDS things too and she's awesome and deserves the support!

Think Pink...and Blue!

Holy crap it's October already! In addition to the orange and black for Halloween, pink is the other color associated with October. Everything is pink for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and I think people are less aware of this, I certainly was until I lost Ayden. So this month I'm going to do something a little different, Wednesdays I will be sharing things pertaining to pregnancy and infant loss awareness. But today I'm sharing a Etsy shop that I want things from, I love etsy.com and if you haven't checked it out... you should! But be careful it's addictive! I love SO many things in this shop, http://www.etsy.com/shop/bugaboojewelry?ref=seller_info, I want a necklace but I can't decide which one...

Ayden's Birthday

All in all yesterday wasn't bad, in fact I'd go as far to say it was a good day. It was warm and sunny, the sky was the perfect shade of blue, and I smiled, A LOT. We found the perfect spot for the butterfly release, a happy accident, and the butterflies were beautiful. I had moments that were sad but they were few and far between. The hardest part of the entire day was blowing out his birthday candle, my smile slipped and my eyes filled with tears. Overall though it was a happy day, as it should be, and I'm so relieved that it was.

Happy Birthday Baby

Today is Ayden's birthday, what should have been his first. We drove down to the beach to release the butterflies and stumbled into a butterfly garden completely by accident. It was beautiful and perfect. The butterflies and box we got from Flutterby Gardens (www.flutterbygardens.com)
were beautiful and we received all Monarch butterflies, even though our order was placed last minute which meant a lot to us. We got lots of really great pictures...here are a few:

 

 

Out of My Mind

Today has been, in a word, awful. It's been bad since I woke up from a horrible, dark dream about being pregnant again and it's gotten progressively worse. I'm sick of being in the house, but there's really nothing to do. I'm lonely, with really no one but my husband for company. It doesn't FEEL like it's been a year since Ayden was born and two months later died, it feels like it was all just a couple months ago. The feeling/ thought I do have is "holy crap, it's been a year and I've been standing still, doing nothing the whole time". I've been hiding in the house for a year, I've lost my family and friends, and I don't feel like I can do anything other than I'm doing. I don't feel ready for a job, I fall apart all the time, I haven't worked since before Ayden was born, and getting a part-time or seasonal job at a store, something easy and mindless, would probably be a disaster since I have regressed back to my baby/child aversion. Just everyday shopping is a problem for me half the time, but being a customer I can turn around and leave... Not an option if you're an employee. I feel like I should be doing better than I am, that I should be a normal, productive member of society again, but I'm a HUGE mess and I feel million years away from normal. It's maddening. I just want an easy button. I want to have a job. I want to be able to go grocery shopping at 11 a.m. on the weekend, not at 3 a.m. in the middle of the week. I want to be able to concentrate again. I want to be able to listen to Tchaikovsky, Beethoven, and my other favorite composers without getting plied with memories of my pregnancy and Ayden. I want to be able to see parents with their children and not instantly hate them. I want to not hate every pregnant woman I see. I want to be normal again, my old normal, not this new, horribly skewed version of normal.

Change of Plans...

We planned on doing a balloon release for Ayden's birthday on Friday, but last week the thought of a butterfly release popped into my head. Butterflies have a special meaning to us, a few weeks before Ayden passed away a butterfly got into the house and landed on Ayden's nose during a diaper change. I thought it was awesome, as you can see he did NOT. I wasn't fast enough to catch it on his nose but I did get this one and it makes me smile. I still have the butterfly, it got trapped in blinds and I found it cleaning, it's in Ayden's scrapbook.

We ordered the butterflies at the beginning of the week from flutterbygardens.com, the owner was super nice about the last minute order, and we should be receiving them today! 

Something Different... Blue and Gold Leopard Print Nails

When I was a teenager and before I met Tom, I spent $50 every two weeks getting my acrylic nails filled, polished, and topped with nail art. Then I became a grown up with bills, and $100 a month on nails was a habit that stopped. Instead I let my real nails grow and started doing my own nail art ... it's much cheaper, I still get compliments all the time, but now it's actually my own work.If you follow me on Twitter (@meghanmay928) or are friends with me on Facebook you know I do my nails frequently. I'd never attempted a leopard print before but it was pretty easy.

Remove any polish that may be on your nails. File and shape them the way you like. Apply base coat (I use Revlon ColorStay).

Step One: I applied one coat of the blue polish on my index and pinky nails of both hands, let it dry, and applied the second coat. The blue I used is Revlon ColorStay also, in Indigo Night.

Step Two: I painted the rest of my nails Bold Gold by Maybelline, it's a really pretty metallic gold. Same as with the blue, I did one coat, let dry, and did the second coat.

Step Three: I used a non-working ball point pen to make large, imperfect spots using the blue polish on my gold nails.

*A tip for first timers: Put a large drop of polish on the top of another nail polish bottle or paper plate and add drops as necessary when doing making dots or flowers.*

Step Four: Outline the spots! I used a toothpick and Sally Hansen's Hard as Nails in Black Heart, but you could use a tiny nail art brush or pen if you have one. I didn't outline all the spots and made the outline thicker, thinner and dragged it out a little in some places. It doesn't have to be perfect, it will look more natural if it isn't perfect.

Step Five: Remove any polish that found its way onto your skin. Apply a top coat, I used NYC Long Wearing Extra Shiny Top Coat.

Remembering

This time last year I was over my pregnancy and ready for my little man to be in my arms. I was one of the lucky 2% of pregnant women who develop hyperemesis gravidarum. What's that? Morning sickness on steroids (the lucky comment was a sarcastic one), I was constantly vomiting. All day, all night, vomiting. I lost 25 pounds, was hospitalized with dehydration twice, and this lasted 29 weeks of my 40 week pregnancy. Ayden was due on the 26th, so at the beginning of that week after being told I was dilated I walked, ate spicy food, and tried acupressure. I couldn't wait for him to be here, this is where the phrase "if I knew then what I know now," springs to mind; I should've enjoyed it all and been patient, he was safer inside. But I was so ready to start the journey of being a parent, I was ready for years and years of laughter, love, tears, and everything in between. When you think about parenting you think about in terms of years and decades, not weeks and months. But that's all I got, two months, the best two months of my life, but two months is not what I expected. It's not what anyone dreams about. I dreamed about this year being filled with Ayden's firsts. Instead, I got a year of "this is the first _______ without Ayden" and the knowledge that there will be many more years and holidays without Ayden.

10

There are ten days left until Ayden's birthday. I still can't believe it's been a year, in some ways it seems like yesterday, I remember everything about Ayden so well. But sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. He's been gone for so long, I've changed so much, EVERYTHING has changed so much. I can't even imagine this empty desperate longing in ten years, it's crippling at ten months.
I am constantly in awe of other angel moms further along on their journey if for no other reason than that they HAVE gotten along on their journey. It takes incredible strength and angel moms have that in spades. There are a lot of days that I want to give up, so many days where I shut down, and shut the world out. But I haven't given up yet, I'm still fighting through this hellishness everyday. I'm doing the best that I can, that's all anyone can really do. Try your best and keep fighting for what's important, for what you want, and don't give up.

*sorry about typos...written on my phone*

12

In twelve days it will be Ayden's first birthday...but he will NEVER be a year old, or two, or ten. He will always be two months old. On September 28th there will be no celebrating, there will be no cake, no presents, no family. Instead there will be tears, heartache, and painful memories. Instead of sitting back and thinking, "wow, a year ago today I was being induced, a year ago Ayden was born", I'll be thinking about  how wrong  everything is, how dark my  life has become. I will be going through the most important day of my life, without the person who made it important in the first place. All these thoughts and more are contributing to the continous, permanent empty ache in my soul. How am I supposed to be strong and hold on when my reason for doing so is gone?

Whine-O

I've felt off all day, it's a strange combination of melancholy and boredom. If my mood were a color it would be grey. Not particulary good, but not horrible either; somewhere in the middle of white and black. I want to do something fun and get out of the house, which is easier said than done with our financial situation. Instead I waxed my eyebrows, gave myself a facial, and did a hair treatment. I bathed the dogs and put their Frontline on when they were finally dry. But that's all done and I have nothing to do. I've tried to read, listen to music, watch TV, and draw...nothing's holding my attention or taking my mind off this general funk I'm in.
...and now I'm bored of complaining :-)

Never Forget

It's kind of surreal to think that the attacks on 9/11 happened 11 years ago. It doesn't seem that long but so much is different, so much has changed. I'm 22, I'm married, I had a child but I remember the day vividly, as most people remember watershed moments. I was in sixth grade, in business class, working with a few friends on our latest project; designing and marketing a new candy bar. There was an announcement over the loud speakers school-wide telling teachers to turn the TVs in the classrooms on. My classroom, that had been bubbling with conversation and activity moments before turned silent instantly. I immediately thought of my family members in New York and prayed they were unharmed. Every one's eyes were glued to the TV, watching with horror as the death count climbed, as more planes crashed. The bell rang to switch classes and the halls were much quieter than usual as I made my way to my next class, where the TV was still on. We continued watching the events unfold on the television screen, thoughts of biology and our quiz forgotten. Kids got picked up early by their parents, myself included. My dad picked me up and he had the job of trying to explain what had happened to me. The days and weeks that followed are a literal red, white, and blue blur; there were American pride days at school, patriotic merchandise in every store, the whole nation was brought together. I will never forget September 11, 2001 not just because of the tragedy of it, the huge loss of life but because it brought us all together. Race, age, political party, sexual orientation, none of that mattered; we were all effected, we were all scared, we were all hurt, but more importantly we all helped one another when we needed it most. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone effected by this tragedy today and everyday.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe

I love allrecipes.com (that's where this recipe is from), I use it frequently especially when I'm tired of making the same things for dinner. This was found in one of my baking moods (like today) and they've become a fast favorite. They're very easy to make and delicious, so I just wanted to share. Enjoy!

Outrageous Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup butter
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 1/3 cup packed brown sugar
• 1/2 cup peanut butter
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 egg
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup rolled oats
• 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2. In a medium bowl, cream together the butter, white sugar and brown sugar until smooth. Stir in the peanut butter, vanilla and egg until well blended. Combine the flour, baking soda and salt; stir into the batter just until moistened. Mix in the oats and chocolate chips until evenly distributed. Drop by tablespoonfuls on to lightly greased cookie sheets.
3. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes in the preheated oven, until the edges start to brown. Cool on cookie sheets for about 5 minutes before transferring to wire racks to cool completely.

Laughter IS the Best Medicine

I truly believe this. I was giving into my depression, letting the tears push my laughter away, but I'm feeling stronger lately. Grief is full of laughter and tears and we need to hold onto the laughter.
Every night that Ayden was in the hospital Tom and I would spend a few hours at night at my mother's house, we left our problems at the hospital. Discussions of doctors, nurses, and endless medical terminology were pushed away. Instead we would joke about our dysfunctional family, retell our favorite funny stories, and share hilarious YouTube videos. We'd laugh until we cried, until our faces hurt, until enough of the stress was lifted for us all to get through another day. After being at the hospital for hours and hours on end, seeing Ayden connected to so many tubes and machines, dealing with DCF and the police, hearing either nothing or bad news from doctors, we NEEDED to laugh. We still do. Some days its really hard to smile let alone laugh, but I can't let this depression win, no one grieving should.
Fortunately I have found something that will make me laugh on a daily basis. Elvis Duran and the Morning Show is a radio show based out of NY and broadcast nationwide, they replaced my local morning show a few year ago and I have loved them ever since. I stopped listening for a while but now I listen to the Elvis Duran replay channel on iHeartRadio on my phone all the time. They're hilarious and it's impossible for me to not laugh listening to the show. If you have never heard it it's definitely worth checking out once. They're funny and real. I love these people that I've never met, they do the impossible for me everyday. They can make me laugh when NOTHING else can and that is both precious and priceless to me. It's OK to laugh, it's good to laugh. I need to remember to laugh more, not give into the darkness and I'm so grateful they make it possible.

Back in Black ;)

I'm currently waiting for an alarm to go off that will be reminding me its time to rinse out my hair color... I get bored with my hair frequently. I'm currently ultra blonde and have been for 3-4 months... IT'S TIME! :) see, it's bad. Over the past couple years I've been blonde, brunette, red multiple times. It's been a reeeally long time since I did black. Why? It's a pain to undo when I inevitably get sick of it too. But I'm in need of some drastic change.

Sixteen and Pregnant

*This has NOTHING to do with the show, just stole the title :) *
It's payday! That means grocery shopping...it seems all the trashy teen mom's had the same idea. I really am not trying to sound judgemental, it's just an observation. Obviously, there are great teen moms, there ARE girls that beat the odds; but where I live, that's not usually the case. Seeing 15-16 year old girls with child/ren pisses me off, seeing them with their own mothers taking care of their child/ren really pisses me off! Seeing teenage mothers that couldn't care less about their children pisses me off even more. Not just because there are millions of great people and couples that would love to adopt a baby, but because my husband and I both were the COMPLETE opposite. Seeing multiple examples of this on one outing was really hard to get through. But I did.
It's truly infuriating to see a father walking in front of his -/+2 year old daughter, not holding her hand, and basically leaving her behind in a crazy, busy supermarket. Why do careless, thoughtless people get to spend decades with their children, but I only got two months with mine? It's one of the millions of questions I don't get to know the answer to. I'm always hurting, I'm always sad (some days are better than others) but today I'm also angry, frustrated, and just generally pissed off. It's SO hard seeing people (NOT JUST TEENAGERS) being careless with their children, taking them for granted when we never did, yet it's our son that died. I feel cheated and it's a hard feeling to deal with.

Goodbye

I give up
I surrender
I'm bruised, I'm beaten
My heart's been puréed in a blender
I scream, I cry, I get quiet, I stare
I ask for Death but he won't answer my prayer.

So when u ask what's wrong
And I dnt respond
Don't be alarmed. I'm just gone.

Scream

I'm drowning in sorrow, I gasp from the pain. But outside I'm smiling, it's part of the game. My smile's an act, it's the tears that are real. I scream at the top of my lungs, I get ignored... No big deal.

Slipping...

My desire to fight is fading. I've shut down and shut everyone out. Not that there's many people left to shut out. Not that anyone seems to have noticed or cared, besides my husband that is. I just don't know what to do or where to turn and I'm exhausted. I'm sick of trying, I'm sick of making progress then getting slammed backwards. It's easier to shut down and not care. It's easy to slip into the depression and let it take over. It's easier to be asleep than awake. Giving up seems to be the only easy thing I have left.

When In Doubt...

COLOR! :)

Retreat

For most of the month I've been upset and depressed for lots of different reasons. It's been a really hard, insane roller coaster ride of a month to be perfectly honest. I can feel and see myself pulling away from people, even though it's not REALLY what I want, even though it's really not what I need. I'd rather suffer in silence, alone then put my issues and problems on someone else. My friends would all tell me I'm being ridiculous. Friends help each other, they support each other, and I'll always be there for my friends, no matter what...I just don't feel like there's much left of me to support. I feel completely broken and hopeless and useless.
I have trust issues, I have abandonment issues, nearly everyone in my life has walked out on me at least once. But now I'm the one doing the leaving and I hate it but really what's the point in staying around? I'm a mess most of the time and I don't have the energy or desire to keep trying. I'm sick of trying, I'm sick of everything being so hard, I'm sick of all the ups and downs. So I retreat into myself, I spend countless hours locked in the spare room, listening to music, doodling, writing...anything to take my mind off of things. I shut down and shut people out. I know this, I can see it, but it's what I've always done and I have no clue how to fix it.

Countdown

Today is August 28th, one month from today it will be Ayden's birthday...but we have nothing to celebrate. I always count down to my birthday and holidays, starting at the one month mark. It's a habit ingrained in my personality.
All of my past countdowns have been fun. They led up to amazing birthdays, perfect Christmases, and fun vacations. This feels more like waiting for a bomb to detonate. But those action movie moments are just that, moments. I'm going to go through the better part of September wondering if I'm going to fall apart or not.
I know it does no good to worry but I do. My husband does. The last time I fell apart I had to be Baker Acted and spend days in a crisis stabilization unit. I could lose it, and it could be really bad. We have plans and hopefully doing those things and being with Tom will help keep me together. That's all we can ever do... Hope for the best

When Yes Turns to No

When I was Baker Acted (in January) I was taking Prozac, still am but my dosage has been increased. I go through the same facility to continue my medication therapy... This really has nothing to do with my post, it's just back story.

I've seen a different doctor every time I've gone back (4-5 times) and yesterday was no exception. But while waiting for my appointment, I got called to the financial counselor's office. Apparently, this was my first visit since being Baker Acted...I had to answer questions about our living and financial situation. The the question that I hate, that I dread, came, "Do you have any children?" My heart proceeds to shatter, and scream "YES!" My mind however knows, no is the answer they want. A simple question, a simple answer, meanwhile I'm silently being buried under an avalanche of complicated emotions. Obviously, I don't have a child. But I did! And why bring it up when I know it will inevitably end with an awkward moment, a murmured "I'm so sorry", followed by "the look" plastered all over their face? 

I remember being asked if I had kids, smiling and thinking of my adorable ball of sunshine, and proudly saying "Yes". But Ayden is gone, and although I feel his absence everyday, to the outside world...it doesn't matter. The world keeps turning, Lee Mental Health still needs to ask questions to get funding, and I have to struggle to say no when all I want in the entire world is to be able to say yes.

First Project Complete!

I am happy to announce that my dresser is finally complete! I know some people find painting wood furniture abhorent but I am not one of them! I'm really happy with how the dresser turned out and I'll do a tutorial post soon.



BEFORE



AFTER



AFTER II



Welcome Liam!

On August 5^th our family welcomed its newest member! Liam Alexander was born at 11:55pm and weighed in at seven pounds, three ounces. Both he and my soon-to-be, sister-in-law are home and doing wonderfully. I was a little worried about how I’d handle seeing pictures of him. My sister-in-law and I talk frequently and I was excited about my new nephew through her whole pregnancy, but I was worried I’d see Ayden in him. It may seem ridiculous but they’re related so it stands to reason there could be a resemblance. My worries of course were not necessary, Liam doesn’t look like Ayden, seeing pictures of Liam doesn’t make me sad, and I’m happy for my brother-in-law and his fiancée. My in-laws live up north so I haven’t been around Liam or seen him in person or held him, I’m sure that would be difficult, but I’m enjoying seeing pictures of my adorable, new nephew; I’m really happy that I’m able to enjoy them. Welcome to the world Liam! You are loved and adored, especially by your favorite auntie!

Rocking the going home onesie I made!

Ayden's Memorial Page

When Ayden was in the hospital, on life support, while we were waiting for test results, my husband and I talked about the worst case scenario. It was important to both of us that Ayden be an organ/tissue donor; we wanted to help someone, we wanted something good and beautiful to come out of our tragedy, and I’m sure a part of us likes knowing that there’s a piece of him still on Earth and living. When we were told, what I had felt in my heart all along, that Ayden wasn’t going to recover, we brought up organ and tissue donation. For reasons that I honestly do not remember we were only able to donate Ayden’s heart valves, but they were successfully harvested and we hope one day to hear that a happy ending came out of this.

A couple of days ago we received an invitation to a memorial service for donor families done by Life Link lifelinkfound.org the organization that handled the donation. They put together a book remembering the donors and you are invited to submit a page. Thankfully my sister-in-law to be is a graphic designer and does amazing things! *Check out her website…http://​cg-graphics.weebly.co​m * and best of all she was happy to do it for me because I just can’t bring myself to do any kind of editing with his pictures. She is also the one who made Ayden’s memorial video * http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-F-D_QExpU&feature=share * which is perfect. She sent me the picture very early this morning and I LOVE it!

It's Not My Unbirthday!!!

Today is my 22^nd birthday. In my 22 years I have learned a lot and I continue to learn every day, every one does. But here are some of the things I know… you love and you lose, over and over again throughout your life. Sometimes what you thought would last forever, doesn’t. The world will smile with you when you are happy, but it will not stop for your grief. Under the right circumstances, six months can seem like six weeks. Trying your best may never be good enough, and sometimes letting go is harder than trying.  I know that I have a best friend for life, someone who no matter how long it’s been or what we’ve been fighting about will give me a huge hug and pick up where we left off. I know that I wouldn’t be where I am if it weren’t for the people in my life, and the ones who aren’t privileged enough to be anymore. I know that goodbye can be the best and worst thing to say, all at once. I know that there is no hell worse than losing your child. I know that I can get through this, be strong and move forward. I know that laughter is the best medicine. I know that I have a big heart and there is no greater feeling than helping another person. We all have flaws, no one is perfect, and sometimes beauty is only skin deep. I know there will be bad days, hell I’m sure there will be bad weeks or months or years, but there WILL be good in between.

Broken

Everything is different
Nothing is the same
Remembering hurts
Forgetting hurts more
More often than not I'm crying on the floor
I'm guilty, I'm hurting, I'm sorry, I'm sad
I try really hard but little things make me mad
It's not you it's me
I'm broken beyond repair
I cry and wish and dream and scream and nothing changes...he's never gonna be there

Teriyaki Salmon

I recently got on the scale and was horrified… I fully admit to being a stress/ comfort eater; chocolate is pretty high on my list of favorite foods. We buy our meat at Sam’s Club, we stock up for the month, its way cheaper than Publix, and much better quality than Wal-Mart. So this shopping trip was geared toward really being serious about a diet. We are trying to get away from red meat and my hubby mentioned wanting to eat more fish. We bought a salmon fillet for around $17, it’s just me and the hubby so we were able to slice it into three pieces (we probably could've done four) and freeze it. I don’t have very many fish recipes, most of my recipes come from my mom and we weren’t big fish eaters, but I am a fan of allrecipes.com and have found lots of great recipes using it. That is where tonight’s recipe comes from; we had teriyaki salmon, brown rice, and salad.

The recipe calls for four salmon steaks, but as previously mentioned, I’m using a fillet. I’ve never used the recipe so I didn’t tweak the measurments, I’d probably half it next time. But it turned out really good and my hubby liked it and said he’d eat it again!

Teriyaki Salmon

½ cup: vegetable oil (I used olive oil)

¼ cup: soy sauce (I used low-sodium)

¼ cup: lemon juice

1 tsp: ground ginger (I used this fabulous ginger paste that you can find in the refrigerated section of the produce area)

1 tsp: dry mustard

¼ tsp: garlic powder (I used a little more, because we like garlic)

4 salmon steaks

Place salmon in a Ziploc bag, and add the ingredients above and let marinade for an hour. Place the salmon on a foil-lined broiler pan and set marinade aside. Cook salmon under broiler for 3-5 minutes, flip and brush with marinade, then brush with marinade and cook for another 5 minutes (or until fish flakes easily with a fork).

It was super easy and we’ll be having it again!

Stand Still

I am constantly amazed at how fast time is slipping away, seemingly leaving me behind. In a little more than a week, I’ll be another year older. In a little more than two months, Ayden should’ve been having his 1^st birthday. In a little more than four months, I will have reached a milestone I wouldn’t have thought possible a few months ago… I will have lived an entire year without my son. I have been living in this dark hell for one year; and it’s just the beginning. In the months that have gone by since losing Ayden, I have barely left the house. We’d go grocery shopping at two a.m., I lost my composure and we had to leave multiple restaurants. I was Baker Acted. We haven’t spent more than five minutes in Ayden’s room, it looks more like we’re expecting a baby than that we lost one. I have cycled through anger, guilt, sadness, depression, hopelessness, happy, and a plethora of other emotions; but mostly I’m just surviving, going through the motions of my life. I’ve lost most or all contact with my family and my best friend, and time has stopped for none of this.  Time keeps going, the world keeps turning, people keep moving, despite our grief. I feel like I’ve been stuck, standing in the same place for a year; I feel like the person that got left behind… and no one even noticed. I don’t know why this is or where to place the blame, I just know its how I feel and what I think and experience all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I have people I know are there for me that I can count on; but that number has dwindled, closer to zero than ten.

On a brighter note… I’m trying out a new salmon recipe tonight! Will be sharing if it’s good! Have a fabulous end to your weekend and remember to tell the ones you love that you love them!

Project Update!

I wanted to do an update of my furniture and décor projects to get you up to speed. I haven’t painted anything yet; I wanted to get the sanding out of the way so I could just throw myself into the fun creative stage.

The first thing I sanded was a foot stool; it is now completely stripped and ready to be transformed. I have this idea in my head of it becoming extremely girly and princess-themed. Next was my hanging shelf. I want to paint this an off-white, make it a little distressed looking, and maybe do some apple stenciling so it will fit right into my kitchen. I have also thought about butterfly stenciling and putting it in our bathroom. Next was the mirror, which had been painted twice and primed in between, it seemed to take forever to get down to wood. I’m thinking black for the mirror, with some silver damask scrollwork and a nice, light green on the inside of the frame and the black parts that are not sanded yet because I haven’t gotten my Dremel, it’s coming on my birthday though! And last night I started on my dresser, my biggest project thus far, I’m still undecided on what to do with the dresser but I’m sure I’ll think of something. I hope you are having a beautiful day and have a great weekend!