Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Ayden's "angel day" was yesterday, the fourth, but we took him off life support on the third. He was taken off around 5 p.m. and he held on until around 2 a.m. There have been a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head the past few days. It's amazing to me that its been a year that he's been gone, it's amazing that I've made it a year without him. I lit a candle for Ayden and made it through the day relatively fine. I'm doing better, but I still have REALLY bad days. I still avoid babies out in public, trips to Walmart usually wait until late at night and the wee hours of the morning. Seeing bad parenting, like the other night around 11 o'clock a mother carrying her 2 year old son out to the parking lot in a t-shirt and shorts despite the fact it was like 60 degrees and she was wearing jeans and a sweater, pisses me off and upsets me to no end. I wake up from horrible nightmares a few times a week; my most recent one, I woke up (in my dream) to find a year old Ayden in his crib next to my bed, he was talking and walking and I was so happy and amazed to have him back, near the end of my dream he fell into a pool (no idea where the pool came from, I've never lived any where with a pool), hit his head on a stair and died, I couldn't move or do anything but watch. I screamed for my boyfriend Josh to come help me and called 911, Josh and the EMTs arrived by my side at the same time and just looked at me like I was crazy because there was nothing in the pool at all. I kept screaming at them that he was JUST there and begged and screamed for them to save him. Then I woke up crying and couldn't fall back asleep, I just kept replaying it over and over in my mind, watching Ayden die right in front of me and not being able to stop it or help him, remembering how the blood in the water bloomed like a horrible crimson flower and swallowed this older version of my son.