Monday, November 5, 2012
Avoidance
I''ve been avoiding this post because it's hard and painful to go through personally let alone put it all out there for the world to see, but I suppose this is part of my journey. A couple weeks ago I left my husband. I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy, I felt like I was dragging him down. My depression was swallowing me whole, I'd spend hours locked in another room trying to stay sane, I was a different person. I am a different person. I'm broken and permanently scarred. I'm depressed most of the time and can't stop thinking. In all honesty I find myself not wanting to go on living. I'm simply existing, going through the motions of life, not enjoying anything, barely laughing or smiling or feeling anything but deep, suffocating pain and sorrow. There is another guy in my life but my reasons were for leaving really were the ones I stated previously. We both deserve to be happy and we weren't. I take all the blame because I know it was mostly me, how can anyone be happy dealing with me being constantly depressed, constantly wanting to fade from existence? I'm not happy with myself, I hate getting suicidal and depressed, I hate wanting to be alone, I hate missing people who obviously don't miss me, I hate everything I've become. I worked so hard to get away from this side of myself, the dark side of me that I've struggled with and fought against for years, and now it feels like that's all that's left. All my happiness went with Ayden because he was my happiness, he was the reason I woke up in the morning, and now I'm just left hurting, and my dark side is my only side.
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I'm so sorry. :-( Child loss is the hardest thing that a couple can go through. I don't write about my husband (much) but I can honestly say that we went through some trouble, too. We grieved in different ways and I felt like I got no support from him. We didn't communicate at all. At one point, someone asked us to say one thing nice about the other person and he couldn't think of a single thing to say about me. As our grief changed, and the way we dealt with our grief became more similar, we were able to work through things. But it wasn't easy. We still have moment that are very, very difficult. To add problems, my health issues have made having a physical relationship almost impossible. That's worsened his depression and left me with a lot of guilt. I feel like the most terrible wife in the world.
ReplyDeleteI think you might find that you're probably not the only grieving parent going through these things. I hope you manage to find some support and have someone you can talk to. *hugs*