So yesterday was a really bad day, I spent a majority of it crying and sleeping just to get away from my thoughts. Halloween was Ayden's first holiday, and I spent last Halloween imagining him being a year old, dressing him up and taking him trick-or-treating. I imagined years of that. But this year I was faced with the harsh reality; I don't get Halloween with my angel. I will NEVER take Ayden trick or treating, I will never get to help him pick out a costume, we'll never carve pumpkins or get to take a real trip to the "pumpkin patch". It was a hard milestone to get through, it was a hard thing to realize and accept, and it definitely wasn't easy. It made me think a lot about all the other milestones I never got and never will get with Ayden, I think that's the hardest part for me. When you have a baby you expect things, you form hopes and dreams, and you look forward to all the big moments down the road: talking, walking, trying new foods, holidays, first days of school, etc. but all those hopes and dreams got smashed to bits. I never got to experience those things with Ayden and I have to go through life not getting those things. Even if I have other children down the road seeing those firsts will hurt because I should have gotten them with Ayden, I'll always feel his absence and that he should be here, going trick or treating or going to school or unwrapping Christmas presents along with his brother/sister(s).
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