December 4th

There's a little less than a month until Ayden's "angel day" and 22 days til the anniversary of finding him not breathing and the days spent in the hospital hoping and praying. Ayden's birthday wasn't as hard as I thought it would be but I think these days will be; don't get me wrong getting through the butterfly release and blowing out Ayden's "1st" birthday candle was pretty heartbreaking and difficult to get through but I feel like getting through these days along with everything else going on will be horrible. I relive memories all the time, more frequently lately and I wonder if it's because I'm getting closer to December 4th; The day my baby became an angel and left me behind, irreparably broken. It's almost been a year and this pain has not eased, I still have nightmares almost every night, I still can't stop my thought process, I still wonder what if? I know this will NEVER be easy but it's SO unbelievably hard, I hurt all the time, I think all the time, I replay moments all the time and I want it to stop. People say you'll never forget and you still have memories but sometimes I wish I could forget. It makes me physically ill to think that or say it out loud but it would be so much easier if I could forget. It would be so much easier if I could forget the sight of Ayden motionless with blood trickling out of his nose on the kitchen table, if I could forget the ambulance ride, if I could forget the sight of my child lying in a hospital bed. But those memories and images are burned into my brain, I can't forget them, I can't not think about them. And it's the bad memories that fall on these days, so how could they not be difficult to get through? All I can hope for is to get through these few days as best as I can.