Guilty Conscience

My nightmares are back, in full force. I have a bad dream at least once a night. Sometimes I'm in the hospital, Ayden is covered in IV tubing and tape, so tiny in his hospital bed, one of the monitors is beeping, and I run around screaming at people who don't hear me, who look right through me. Other times I'm out shopping or walking around and a little boy, like 4 or 5 years old, will come up to me and say "Mommy you should've waited, I was getting better, I was going to be fine, and you gave up on me". The second one's the worst; I wake up crying and the dream haunts me throughout the day. Thoughts of Ayden haunt me regularly throughout the day anyway, my brain never stops thinking, never stops wondering "What if..." but this makes it worse. Terminating life support was the hardest decision I ever had to make and I second guess that decision frequently and these nightmares just add to my guilt.