Slipping...

My desire to fight is fading. I've shut down and shut everyone out. Not that there's many people left to shut out. Not that anyone seems to have noticed or cared, besides my husband that is. I just don't know what to do or where to turn and I'm exhausted. I'm sick of trying, I'm sick of making progress then getting slammed backwards. It's easier to shut down and not care. It's easy to slip into the depression and let it take over. It's easier to be asleep than awake. Giving up seems to be the only easy thing I have left.

When In Doubt...

COLOR! :)

Retreat

For most of the month I've been upset and depressed for lots of different reasons. It's been a really hard, insane roller coaster ride of a month to be perfectly honest. I can feel and see myself pulling away from people, even though it's not REALLY what I want, even though it's really not what I need. I'd rather suffer in silence, alone then put my issues and problems on someone else. My friends would all tell me I'm being ridiculous. Friends help each other, they support each other, and I'll always be there for my friends, no matter what...I just don't feel like there's much left of me to support. I feel completely broken and hopeless and useless.
I have trust issues, I have abandonment issues, nearly everyone in my life has walked out on me at least once. But now I'm the one doing the leaving and I hate it but really what's the point in staying around? I'm a mess most of the time and I don't have the energy or desire to keep trying. I'm sick of trying, I'm sick of everything being so hard, I'm sick of all the ups and downs. So I retreat into myself, I spend countless hours locked in the spare room, listening to music, doodling, writing...anything to take my mind off of things. I shut down and shut people out. I know this, I can see it, but it's what I've always done and I have no clue how to fix it.

Countdown

Today is August 28th, one month from today it will be Ayden's birthday...but we have nothing to celebrate. I always count down to my birthday and holidays, starting at the one month mark. It's a habit ingrained in my personality.
All of my past countdowns have been fun. They led up to amazing birthdays, perfect Christmases, and fun vacations. This feels more like waiting for a bomb to detonate. But those action movie moments are just that, moments. I'm going to go through the better part of September wondering if I'm going to fall apart or not.
I know it does no good to worry but I do. My husband does. The last time I fell apart I had to be Baker Acted and spend days in a crisis stabilization unit. I could lose it, and it could be really bad. We have plans and hopefully doing those things and being with Tom will help keep me together. That's all we can ever do... Hope for the best

When Yes Turns to No

When I was Baker Acted (in January) I was taking Prozac, still am but my dosage has been increased. I go through the same facility to continue my medication therapy... This really has nothing to do with my post, it's just back story.

I've seen a different doctor every time I've gone back (4-5 times) and yesterday was no exception. But while waiting for my appointment, I got called to the financial counselor's office. Apparently, this was my first visit since being Baker Acted...I had to answer questions about our living and financial situation. The the question that I hate, that I dread, came, "Do you have any children?" My heart proceeds to shatter, and scream "YES!" My mind however knows, no is the answer they want. A simple question, a simple answer, meanwhile I'm silently being buried under an avalanche of complicated emotions. Obviously, I don't have a child. But I did! And why bring it up when I know it will inevitably end with an awkward moment, a murmured "I'm so sorry", followed by "the look" plastered all over their face? 

I remember being asked if I had kids, smiling and thinking of my adorable ball of sunshine, and proudly saying "Yes". But Ayden is gone, and although I feel his absence everyday, to the outside world...it doesn't matter. The world keeps turning, Lee Mental Health still needs to ask questions to get funding, and I have to struggle to say no when all I want in the entire world is to be able to say yes.

First Project Complete!

I am happy to announce that my dresser is finally complete! I know some people find painting wood furniture abhorent but I am not one of them! I'm really happy with how the dresser turned out and I'll do a tutorial post soon.



BEFORE



AFTER



AFTER II



Welcome Liam!

On August 5^th our family welcomed its newest member! Liam Alexander was born at 11:55pm and weighed in at seven pounds, three ounces. Both he and my soon-to-be, sister-in-law are home and doing wonderfully. I was a little worried about how I’d handle seeing pictures of him. My sister-in-law and I talk frequently and I was excited about my new nephew through her whole pregnancy, but I was worried I’d see Ayden in him. It may seem ridiculous but they’re related so it stands to reason there could be a resemblance. My worries of course were not necessary, Liam doesn’t look like Ayden, seeing pictures of Liam doesn’t make me sad, and I’m happy for my brother-in-law and his fiancée. My in-laws live up north so I haven’t been around Liam or seen him in person or held him, I’m sure that would be difficult, but I’m enjoying seeing pictures of my adorable, new nephew; I’m really happy that I’m able to enjoy them. Welcome to the world Liam! You are loved and adored, especially by your favorite auntie!

Rocking the going home onesie I made!

Ayden's Memorial Page

When Ayden was in the hospital, on life support, while we were waiting for test results, my husband and I talked about the worst case scenario. It was important to both of us that Ayden be an organ/tissue donor; we wanted to help someone, we wanted something good and beautiful to come out of our tragedy, and I’m sure a part of us likes knowing that there’s a piece of him still on Earth and living. When we were told, what I had felt in my heart all along, that Ayden wasn’t going to recover, we brought up organ and tissue donation. For reasons that I honestly do not remember we were only able to donate Ayden’s heart valves, but they were successfully harvested and we hope one day to hear that a happy ending came out of this.

A couple of days ago we received an invitation to a memorial service for donor families done by Life Link lifelinkfound.org the organization that handled the donation. They put together a book remembering the donors and you are invited to submit a page. Thankfully my sister-in-law to be is a graphic designer and does amazing things! *Check out her website…http://​cg-graphics.weebly.co​m * and best of all she was happy to do it for me because I just can’t bring myself to do any kind of editing with his pictures. She is also the one who made Ayden’s memorial video * http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-F-D_QExpU&feature=share * which is perfect. She sent me the picture very early this morning and I LOVE it!

It's Not My Unbirthday!!!

Today is my 22^nd birthday. In my 22 years I have learned a lot and I continue to learn every day, every one does. But here are some of the things I know… you love and you lose, over and over again throughout your life. Sometimes what you thought would last forever, doesn’t. The world will smile with you when you are happy, but it will not stop for your grief. Under the right circumstances, six months can seem like six weeks. Trying your best may never be good enough, and sometimes letting go is harder than trying.  I know that I have a best friend for life, someone who no matter how long it’s been or what we’ve been fighting about will give me a huge hug and pick up where we left off. I know that I wouldn’t be where I am if it weren’t for the people in my life, and the ones who aren’t privileged enough to be anymore. I know that goodbye can be the best and worst thing to say, all at once. I know that there is no hell worse than losing your child. I know that I can get through this, be strong and move forward. I know that laughter is the best medicine. I know that I have a big heart and there is no greater feeling than helping another person. We all have flaws, no one is perfect, and sometimes beauty is only skin deep. I know there will be bad days, hell I’m sure there will be bad weeks or months or years, but there WILL be good in between.