Retreat

For most of the month I've been upset and depressed for lots of different reasons. It's been a really hard, insane roller coaster ride of a month to be perfectly honest. I can feel and see myself pulling away from people, even though it's not REALLY what I want, even though it's really not what I need. I'd rather suffer in silence, alone then put my issues and problems on someone else. My friends would all tell me I'm being ridiculous. Friends help each other, they support each other, and I'll always be there for my friends, no matter what...I just don't feel like there's much left of me to support. I feel completely broken and hopeless and useless.
I have trust issues, I have abandonment issues, nearly everyone in my life has walked out on me at least once. But now I'm the one doing the leaving and I hate it but really what's the point in staying around? I'm a mess most of the time and I don't have the energy or desire to keep trying. I'm sick of trying, I'm sick of everything being so hard, I'm sick of all the ups and downs. So I retreat into myself, I spend countless hours locked in the spare room, listening to music, doodling, writing...anything to take my mind off of things. I shut down and shut people out. I know this, I can see it, but it's what I've always done and I have no clue how to fix it.