When Yes Turns to No

When I was Baker Acted (in January) I was taking Prozac, still am but my dosage has been increased. I go through the same facility to continue my medication therapy... This really has nothing to do with my post, it's just back story.

I've seen a different doctor every time I've gone back (4-5 times) and yesterday was no exception. But while waiting for my appointment, I got called to the financial counselor's office. Apparently, this was my first visit since being Baker Acted...I had to answer questions about our living and financial situation. The the question that I hate, that I dread, came, "Do you have any children?" My heart proceeds to shatter, and scream "YES!" My mind however knows, no is the answer they want. A simple question, a simple answer, meanwhile I'm silently being buried under an avalanche of complicated emotions. Obviously, I don't have a child. But I did! And why bring it up when I know it will inevitably end with an awkward moment, a murmured "I'm so sorry", followed by "the look" plastered all over their face? 

I remember being asked if I had kids, smiling and thinking of my adorable ball of sunshine, and proudly saying "Yes". But Ayden is gone, and although I feel his absence everyday, to the outside world...it doesn't matter. The world keeps turning, Lee Mental Health still needs to ask questions to get funding, and I have to struggle to say no when all I want in the entire world is to be able to say yes.