Ayden's Birthday

All in all yesterday wasn't bad, in fact I'd go as far to say it was a good day. It was warm and sunny, the sky was the perfect shade of blue, and I smiled, A LOT. We found the perfect spot for the butterfly release, a happy accident, and the butterflies were beautiful. I had moments that were sad but they were few and far between. The hardest part of the entire day was blowing out his birthday candle, my smile slipped and my eyes filled with tears. Overall though it was a happy day, as it should be, and I'm so relieved that it was.

Happy Birthday Baby

Today is Ayden's birthday, what should have been his first. We drove down to the beach to release the butterflies and stumbled into a butterfly garden completely by accident. It was beautiful and perfect. The butterflies and box we got from Flutterby Gardens (www.flutterbygardens.com)
were beautiful and we received all Monarch butterflies, even though our order was placed last minute which meant a lot to us. We got lots of really great pictures...here are a few:

 

 

Out of My Mind

Today has been, in a word, awful. It's been bad since I woke up from a horrible, dark dream about being pregnant again and it's gotten progressively worse. I'm sick of being in the house, but there's really nothing to do. I'm lonely, with really no one but my husband for company. It doesn't FEEL like it's been a year since Ayden was born and two months later died, it feels like it was all just a couple months ago. The feeling/ thought I do have is "holy crap, it's been a year and I've been standing still, doing nothing the whole time". I've been hiding in the house for a year, I've lost my family and friends, and I don't feel like I can do anything other than I'm doing. I don't feel ready for a job, I fall apart all the time, I haven't worked since before Ayden was born, and getting a part-time or seasonal job at a store, something easy and mindless, would probably be a disaster since I have regressed back to my baby/child aversion. Just everyday shopping is a problem for me half the time, but being a customer I can turn around and leave... Not an option if you're an employee. I feel like I should be doing better than I am, that I should be a normal, productive member of society again, but I'm a HUGE mess and I feel million years away from normal. It's maddening. I just want an easy button. I want to have a job. I want to be able to go grocery shopping at 11 a.m. on the weekend, not at 3 a.m. in the middle of the week. I want to be able to concentrate again. I want to be able to listen to Tchaikovsky, Beethoven, and my other favorite composers without getting plied with memories of my pregnancy and Ayden. I want to be able to see parents with their children and not instantly hate them. I want to not hate every pregnant woman I see. I want to be normal again, my old normal, not this new, horribly skewed version of normal.

Change of Plans...

We planned on doing a balloon release for Ayden's birthday on Friday, but last week the thought of a butterfly release popped into my head. Butterflies have a special meaning to us, a few weeks before Ayden passed away a butterfly got into the house and landed on Ayden's nose during a diaper change. I thought it was awesome, as you can see he did NOT. I wasn't fast enough to catch it on his nose but I did get this one and it makes me smile. I still have the butterfly, it got trapped in blinds and I found it cleaning, it's in Ayden's scrapbook.

We ordered the butterflies at the beginning of the week from flutterbygardens.com, the owner was super nice about the last minute order, and we should be receiving them today! 

Something Different... Blue and Gold Leopard Print Nails

When I was a teenager and before I met Tom, I spent $50 every two weeks getting my acrylic nails filled, polished, and topped with nail art. Then I became a grown up with bills, and $100 a month on nails was a habit that stopped. Instead I let my real nails grow and started doing my own nail art ... it's much cheaper, I still get compliments all the time, but now it's actually my own work.If you follow me on Twitter (@meghanmay928) or are friends with me on Facebook you know I do my nails frequently. I'd never attempted a leopard print before but it was pretty easy.

Remove any polish that may be on your nails. File and shape them the way you like. Apply base coat (I use Revlon ColorStay).

Step One: I applied one coat of the blue polish on my index and pinky nails of both hands, let it dry, and applied the second coat. The blue I used is Revlon ColorStay also, in Indigo Night.

Step Two: I painted the rest of my nails Bold Gold by Maybelline, it's a really pretty metallic gold. Same as with the blue, I did one coat, let dry, and did the second coat.

Step Three: I used a non-working ball point pen to make large, imperfect spots using the blue polish on my gold nails.

*A tip for first timers: Put a large drop of polish on the top of another nail polish bottle or paper plate and add drops as necessary when doing making dots or flowers.*

Step Four: Outline the spots! I used a toothpick and Sally Hansen's Hard as Nails in Black Heart, but you could use a tiny nail art brush or pen if you have one. I didn't outline all the spots and made the outline thicker, thinner and dragged it out a little in some places. It doesn't have to be perfect, it will look more natural if it isn't perfect.

Step Five: Remove any polish that found its way onto your skin. Apply a top coat, I used NYC Long Wearing Extra Shiny Top Coat.

Remembering

This time last year I was over my pregnancy and ready for my little man to be in my arms. I was one of the lucky 2% of pregnant women who develop hyperemesis gravidarum. What's that? Morning sickness on steroids (the lucky comment was a sarcastic one), I was constantly vomiting. All day, all night, vomiting. I lost 25 pounds, was hospitalized with dehydration twice, and this lasted 29 weeks of my 40 week pregnancy. Ayden was due on the 26th, so at the beginning of that week after being told I was dilated I walked, ate spicy food, and tried acupressure. I couldn't wait for him to be here, this is where the phrase "if I knew then what I know now," springs to mind; I should've enjoyed it all and been patient, he was safer inside. But I was so ready to start the journey of being a parent, I was ready for years and years of laughter, love, tears, and everything in between. When you think about parenting you think about in terms of years and decades, not weeks and months. But that's all I got, two months, the best two months of my life, but two months is not what I expected. It's not what anyone dreams about. I dreamed about this year being filled with Ayden's firsts. Instead, I got a year of "this is the first _______ without Ayden" and the knowledge that there will be many more years and holidays without Ayden.

10

There are ten days left until Ayden's birthday. I still can't believe it's been a year, in some ways it seems like yesterday, I remember everything about Ayden so well. But sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. He's been gone for so long, I've changed so much, EVERYTHING has changed so much. I can't even imagine this empty desperate longing in ten years, it's crippling at ten months.
I am constantly in awe of other angel moms further along on their journey if for no other reason than that they HAVE gotten along on their journey. It takes incredible strength and angel moms have that in spades. There are a lot of days that I want to give up, so many days where I shut down, and shut the world out. But I haven't given up yet, I'm still fighting through this hellishness everyday. I'm doing the best that I can, that's all anyone can really do. Try your best and keep fighting for what's important, for what you want, and don't give up.

*sorry about typos...written on my phone*

12

In twelve days it will be Ayden's first birthday...but he will NEVER be a year old, or two, or ten. He will always be two months old. On September 28th there will be no celebrating, there will be no cake, no presents, no family. Instead there will be tears, heartache, and painful memories. Instead of sitting back and thinking, "wow, a year ago today I was being induced, a year ago Ayden was born", I'll be thinking about  how wrong  everything is, how dark my  life has become. I will be going through the most important day of my life, without the person who made it important in the first place. All these thoughts and more are contributing to the continous, permanent empty ache in my soul. How am I supposed to be strong and hold on when my reason for doing so is gone?

Whine-O

I've felt off all day, it's a strange combination of melancholy and boredom. If my mood were a color it would be grey. Not particulary good, but not horrible either; somewhere in the middle of white and black. I want to do something fun and get out of the house, which is easier said than done with our financial situation. Instead I waxed my eyebrows, gave myself a facial, and did a hair treatment. I bathed the dogs and put their Frontline on when they were finally dry. But that's all done and I have nothing to do. I've tried to read, listen to music, watch TV, and draw...nothing's holding my attention or taking my mind off this general funk I'm in.
...and now I'm bored of complaining :-)

Never Forget

It's kind of surreal to think that the attacks on 9/11 happened 11 years ago. It doesn't seem that long but so much is different, so much has changed. I'm 22, I'm married, I had a child but I remember the day vividly, as most people remember watershed moments. I was in sixth grade, in business class, working with a few friends on our latest project; designing and marketing a new candy bar. There was an announcement over the loud speakers school-wide telling teachers to turn the TVs in the classrooms on. My classroom, that had been bubbling with conversation and activity moments before turned silent instantly. I immediately thought of my family members in New York and prayed they were unharmed. Every one's eyes were glued to the TV, watching with horror as the death count climbed, as more planes crashed. The bell rang to switch classes and the halls were much quieter than usual as I made my way to my next class, where the TV was still on. We continued watching the events unfold on the television screen, thoughts of biology and our quiz forgotten. Kids got picked up early by their parents, myself included. My dad picked me up and he had the job of trying to explain what had happened to me. The days and weeks that followed are a literal red, white, and blue blur; there were American pride days at school, patriotic merchandise in every store, the whole nation was brought together. I will never forget September 11, 2001 not just because of the tragedy of it, the huge loss of life but because it brought us all together. Race, age, political party, sexual orientation, none of that mattered; we were all effected, we were all scared, we were all hurt, but more importantly we all helped one another when we needed it most. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone effected by this tragedy today and everyday.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe

I love allrecipes.com (that's where this recipe is from), I use it frequently especially when I'm tired of making the same things for dinner. This was found in one of my baking moods (like today) and they've become a fast favorite. They're very easy to make and delicious, so I just wanted to share. Enjoy!

Outrageous Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup butter
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 1/3 cup packed brown sugar
• 1/2 cup peanut butter
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 egg
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup rolled oats
• 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2. In a medium bowl, cream together the butter, white sugar and brown sugar until smooth. Stir in the peanut butter, vanilla and egg until well blended. Combine the flour, baking soda and salt; stir into the batter just until moistened. Mix in the oats and chocolate chips until evenly distributed. Drop by tablespoonfuls on to lightly greased cookie sheets.
3. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes in the preheated oven, until the edges start to brown. Cool on cookie sheets for about 5 minutes before transferring to wire racks to cool completely.

Laughter IS the Best Medicine

I truly believe this. I was giving into my depression, letting the tears push my laughter away, but I'm feeling stronger lately. Grief is full of laughter and tears and we need to hold onto the laughter.
Every night that Ayden was in the hospital Tom and I would spend a few hours at night at my mother's house, we left our problems at the hospital. Discussions of doctors, nurses, and endless medical terminology were pushed away. Instead we would joke about our dysfunctional family, retell our favorite funny stories, and share hilarious YouTube videos. We'd laugh until we cried, until our faces hurt, until enough of the stress was lifted for us all to get through another day. After being at the hospital for hours and hours on end, seeing Ayden connected to so many tubes and machines, dealing with DCF and the police, hearing either nothing or bad news from doctors, we NEEDED to laugh. We still do. Some days its really hard to smile let alone laugh, but I can't let this depression win, no one grieving should.
Fortunately I have found something that will make me laugh on a daily basis. Elvis Duran and the Morning Show is a radio show based out of NY and broadcast nationwide, they replaced my local morning show a few year ago and I have loved them ever since. I stopped listening for a while but now I listen to the Elvis Duran replay channel on iHeartRadio on my phone all the time. They're hilarious and it's impossible for me to not laugh listening to the show. If you have never heard it it's definitely worth checking out once. They're funny and real. I love these people that I've never met, they do the impossible for me everyday. They can make me laugh when NOTHING else can and that is both precious and priceless to me. It's OK to laugh, it's good to laugh. I need to remember to laugh more, not give into the darkness and I'm so grateful they make it possible.

Back in Black ;)

I'm currently waiting for an alarm to go off that will be reminding me its time to rinse out my hair color... I get bored with my hair frequently. I'm currently ultra blonde and have been for 3-4 months... IT'S TIME! :) see, it's bad. Over the past couple years I've been blonde, brunette, red multiple times. It's been a reeeally long time since I did black. Why? It's a pain to undo when I inevitably get sick of it too. But I'm in need of some drastic change.

Sixteen and Pregnant

*This has NOTHING to do with the show, just stole the title :) *
It's payday! That means grocery shopping...it seems all the trashy teen mom's had the same idea. I really am not trying to sound judgemental, it's just an observation. Obviously, there are great teen moms, there ARE girls that beat the odds; but where I live, that's not usually the case. Seeing 15-16 year old girls with child/ren pisses me off, seeing them with their own mothers taking care of their child/ren really pisses me off! Seeing teenage mothers that couldn't care less about their children pisses me off even more. Not just because there are millions of great people and couples that would love to adopt a baby, but because my husband and I both were the COMPLETE opposite. Seeing multiple examples of this on one outing was really hard to get through. But I did.
It's truly infuriating to see a father walking in front of his -/+2 year old daughter, not holding her hand, and basically leaving her behind in a crazy, busy supermarket. Why do careless, thoughtless people get to spend decades with their children, but I only got two months with mine? It's one of the millions of questions I don't get to know the answer to. I'm always hurting, I'm always sad (some days are better than others) but today I'm also angry, frustrated, and just generally pissed off. It's SO hard seeing people (NOT JUST TEENAGERS) being careless with their children, taking them for granted when we never did, yet it's our son that died. I feel cheated and it's a hard feeling to deal with.

Goodbye

I give up
I surrender
I'm bruised, I'm beaten
My heart's been puréed in a blender
I scream, I cry, I get quiet, I stare
I ask for Death but he won't answer my prayer.

So when u ask what's wrong
And I dnt respond
Don't be alarmed. I'm just gone.

Scream

I'm drowning in sorrow, I gasp from the pain. But outside I'm smiling, it's part of the game. My smile's an act, it's the tears that are real. I scream at the top of my lungs, I get ignored... No big deal.