Remembering

This time last year I was over my pregnancy and ready for my little man to be in my arms. I was one of the lucky 2% of pregnant women who develop hyperemesis gravidarum. What's that? Morning sickness on steroids (the lucky comment was a sarcastic one), I was constantly vomiting. All day, all night, vomiting. I lost 25 pounds, was hospitalized with dehydration twice, and this lasted 29 weeks of my 40 week pregnancy. Ayden was due on the 26th, so at the beginning of that week after being told I was dilated I walked, ate spicy food, and tried acupressure. I couldn't wait for him to be here, this is where the phrase "if I knew then what I know now," springs to mind; I should've enjoyed it all and been patient, he was safer inside. But I was so ready to start the journey of being a parent, I was ready for years and years of laughter, love, tears, and everything in between. When you think about parenting you think about in terms of years and decades, not weeks and months. But that's all I got, two months, the best two months of my life, but two months is not what I expected. It's not what anyone dreams about. I dreamed about this year being filled with Ayden's firsts. Instead, I got a year of "this is the first _______ without Ayden" and the knowledge that there will be many more years and holidays without Ayden.