Out of My Mind

Today has been, in a word, awful. It's been bad since I woke up from a horrible, dark dream about being pregnant again and it's gotten progressively worse. I'm sick of being in the house, but there's really nothing to do. I'm lonely, with really no one but my husband for company. It doesn't FEEL like it's been a year since Ayden was born and two months later died, it feels like it was all just a couple months ago. The feeling/ thought I do have is "holy crap, it's been a year and I've been standing still, doing nothing the whole time". I've been hiding in the house for a year, I've lost my family and friends, and I don't feel like I can do anything other than I'm doing. I don't feel ready for a job, I fall apart all the time, I haven't worked since before Ayden was born, and getting a part-time or seasonal job at a store, something easy and mindless, would probably be a disaster since I have regressed back to my baby/child aversion. Just everyday shopping is a problem for me half the time, but being a customer I can turn around and leave... Not an option if you're an employee. I feel like I should be doing better than I am, that I should be a normal, productive member of society again, but I'm a HUGE mess and I feel million years away from normal. It's maddening. I just want an easy button. I want to have a job. I want to be able to go grocery shopping at 11 a.m. on the weekend, not at 3 a.m. in the middle of the week. I want to be able to concentrate again. I want to be able to listen to Tchaikovsky, Beethoven, and my other favorite composers without getting plied with memories of my pregnancy and Ayden. I want to be able to see parents with their children and not instantly hate them. I want to not hate every pregnant woman I see. I want to be normal again, my old normal, not this new, horribly skewed version of normal.