I’ve been having a rough past couple of days. The Fourth of
July did it I think. I’ve always associated the 4th with my
impending birthday. Last year I turned 21, I was very pregnant, and Ayden’s
baby shower was the weekend after my birthday. There aren’t any big holidays or
birthdays between my birthday and Ayden’s. I can’t believe he’d be almost a
year old, I can’t believe that instead of planning a 1st birthday
party, I’m worrying about how September 28th 2012 is going to go. I’m
terrified that I’m going to just fall completely apart. Then… the thought of
his “angel day” coming so quickly behind it comes creeping into my head and it
chills the shattered pieces of my heart. Surely that day is going to be awful
as well, I worry about that day too.
I can’t believe how fast time moves, everything seems like
it was just yesterday. It feels like I was just worrying and wondering how Christmas
would be, and now the year’s more than half over. When I think about that, how
much time has passed, I can’t believe I’m here. I can’t believe I’ve lasted
this long with my heart as broken as it is. It seems impossible. SO much has
happened to me, to my husband, to our families, and Ayden hasn’t been here for
any of it; which in some cases is a good thing, but still, it’s the principle
of the matter.
…Ok, I’m not going to leave you hanging. My next couple of
posting will go into better detail of what has happened since Ayden’s passing.
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