Wake Me Up When September Ends

I’ve been thinking about Ayden’s birthday more and more. It’s over two months away but it scares me. I don’t know if I’m going to completely fall apart or if I’m going to be my weird version of okay. My money’s on falling apart… but who knows. Since Ayden’s passing we try to be more charitable, and for obvious reasons charities that benefit children and Ronald McDonald House Charities are close to our hearts. We donated the Christmas presents we bought for Ayden. We have a large vase we collect soda can tabs in for RMHC. We talk about making dinner for the families at our local RMH, I thought about doing this for Ayden’s birthday, but I think it would be painful; to remember the best day of my life in the place I had the worst days of my life. So I looked at other alternatives, maybe we’ll donate a few things from their wish list or donate to the share-a-night program. Those seem like better things than spending a prolonged amount of time in a place filled with bad memories, I would no doubt be forced to relive.

I think I just want to spend the day with Tom. I want to go to the beach and let a bunch of balloons go, so that maybe my angel will see them and know that his birthday, even though it’s bittersweet, is still important to us. I thought about making a special dinner and a cake, but then I realized that’s what I do for Tom on his birthday; that’s what I’d do for Ayden on his birthday…but I can’t. So maybe we’ll just order pizza, I don’t think it would be a good day to go out and see babies; although, it would not be the first time I had a meltdown and pretty much ran out of a restaurant.