Meltdown

Today was payday which means a trip to Sam's Club to stock up on meat and other things that make sense for us to buy in bulk. Both Tom and I  forgot our cards so Tom went to wait in line at customer service to get a temporary card...and I went to look at books! And after seeing and wanting Jodi Picoult's new book, I went to look at jewelry, because the hubby was still in line. I was looking at necklace and earrings with my birthstone in them, and smiled when I saw the same set with Ayden's birthstone right next to it. Then I heard the sound that I have come to hate above all others... a child crying. I look up to see a father holding a screaming, crying one year old who is doing the screaming and crying because his mother won't carry him... I completely lost it. I abandoned my cart in the maze of DVDs and went to get Tom, who was still in line at customer service. He looked at me and knew that we needed to get out of there. I found my way to the car through the blur of tears and once I was inside...I let go. I cried because honestly I would do anything for my son to just be able to have the option of wanting me over his father. I cried because my son isn't here for me to hold. Period. I cried because that little boy gets to be one year old, and he gets to go to the store; Ayden doesn't. Sometimes these realization just catch me at the right moments and I'm brought to my knees; its getting easier to pick myself up, but I still find myself on the floor sooner or later.