Stand Still

I am constantly amazed at how fast time is slipping away, seemingly leaving me behind. In a little more than a week, I’ll be another year older. In a little more than two months, Ayden should’ve been having his 1^st birthday. In a little more than four months, I will have reached a milestone I wouldn’t have thought possible a few months ago… I will have lived an entire year without my son. I have been living in this dark hell for one year; and it’s just the beginning. In the months that have gone by since losing Ayden, I have barely left the house. We’d go grocery shopping at two a.m., I lost my composure and we had to leave multiple restaurants. I was Baker Acted. We haven’t spent more than five minutes in Ayden’s room, it looks more like we’re expecting a baby than that we lost one. I have cycled through anger, guilt, sadness, depression, hopelessness, happy, and a plethora of other emotions; but mostly I’m just surviving, going through the motions of my life. I’ve lost most or all contact with my family and my best friend, and time has stopped for none of this.  Time keeps going, the world keeps turning, people keep moving, despite our grief. I feel like I’ve been stuck, standing in the same place for a year; I feel like the person that got left behind… and no one even noticed. I don’t know why this is or where to place the blame, I just know its how I feel and what I think and experience all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I have people I know are there for me that I can count on; but that number has dwindled, closer to zero than ten.

On a brighter note… I’m trying out a new salmon recipe tonight! Will be sharing if it’s good! Have a fabulous end to your weekend and remember to tell the ones you love that you love them!